On life, friends, and fitting in.

Life is hard.
And People are complicated.
Which is certainly not a surprise for any of you.
One of the main reasons I like to blog is not just that I like talking about whatever interests me, and perhaps get other people interested in it as well (although that is one reason) it's that, I'm not a very open person, at least not right off the bat. In fact even after I've known a person for a while, perhaps even years I can't really bring myself to open up completely, to really exspose the essence if you will, of who I am. I hear this metahphor all the time, about being in a shell, or always wearing a mask in front of people, instead of letting them see your true self, and as cliched as they are, I feel that it is almost eerie how accurately it seems to parallel my life.

I'm sure there's some deep psychological reason behind all this, but from some time ago, around middle school, I changed. I went from being an overall outgoing person, to much more introverted, in fact I even started to fall into the stereotypes that would accompany it. I would get bullied,and instead of fight back (as I once did) I just withdrew further. As I grew older, things just became more muddled, I would almost be both, outgoing and closed-off, in a sort-of bipolar-esque routine of switching from one to the other.

It's kinda funny, that I seem to know a lot of people, both in high school and college. but I don't really feel like I have a lot of friends, I mean sure I consider pretty much everyone I know to be a friend to one degree or another, but I don't really feel that they feel the same about me, and beyond that even, all but a few of my friendships, actually feel real. As in, they're the type, where there's no question the other is your friend, the person, you talk to, you hang out with, you relate to. The kind of person that really understands you, who knows what kind of a person you are, and still considers you a friend, the person that forgives even your biggest mistakes, or stupidest moments, no matter how frequent.

In all my life, I don't think I've ever had more than a couple of friends like that, and it's kinda saddening.
I think this might contribute to my obsession with comics, they show a view of life, that I can relate to, but without the complexities of human-interaction, at least on my end.
I like comics like Calvin and Hobbes, xkcd, and Foxtrot, because I can relate very strongly to their characters and themes, because in some ways it helps to give me hope, that out there in that vast world, there can be understanding, even if it's only fictional.
I guess that's what I hoped for most out of college, besides the learning, the degree, I'd want most out of all of it, understanding.

In my time here at college, I've learned a great deal, but not just about physics and math and other scholarly subjects.
I've learned a little bit more about people, about life, about trying to fit in, and about failing to do so.
I've lived a fairly sheltered life up until college, up until now, the vast majority of my friends had been only at school, always in class, and always sort of separate from the rest of my life. it's here that I've found that the worlds not quite so segmented, people from school become people I see everyday, and I've found myself trying to adapt to this new situation of interacting with people, in this whole new mixed up jumbled environment.
College is unique in that while it seems to pass by so quickly, it also feels like it's lasted a lifetime.
After a year here, I've made some friends and lost some as well. It's sad to say that as I've tried to adapt, I've kinda fumbled here and there, leaving some potential friendships in ruin. Will they be salvaged? only time will tell, I suppose that's the hardest thing about people, you never know what will happen, there's no map to follow, no undo button, no way to make everything better, what's done is done, and sometimes past mistakes follow you into the future. As much as I'd like to go back in time, and change things for the better, explain myself, and hope that some understanding can be reached by all, them and I, but I can't so I've no choice but remain here, with my actions, and decisions, and hope it's not to late for things to change.

While my blog may not be all that interesting at times, or even all that good, it may never find an audience, or even be read by more than a handful, and even then perhaps never by those whom I'd hope would read it; at the very least it helps me, to sort through my mind, and communicate my thoughts, feelings and whatever else is there, in a more understandable manner, I'd like to think that doing so helps me become just a bit better at understanding others just as it helps me understand myself.
And who knows, maybe someone will read it, intended or otherwise, and maybe someday, at the end of all this I'll finally find what I've been looking for.
A little understanding.