Ants Marching...

I've been listening to the song Ants Marching by the Dave Matthews Band not long ago.
and it got me thinking about the message in the song

about people just going through the motions day in and day out, lost in the monotony
just drudging through their lives missing the important things

so I wonder...
how similar am I to the people that he's mentioning in this song?
at first I just reassure myself, saying that I'm not like them, I'm different, I know what's important, I don't just follow along the same path everyday, mindlessly going through the motions
but then... I realize, that I'm no better than they. in fact I may be worse, because I fool myself into believing that I keep the important things in mind, and that I'm no mindless drone programmed by habit.
yet day after day my schedule is more or less the same, wake up, class, hw, go on the computer, eat, sleep and the cycle repeats itself with classes being cycled out on the weekend in exchange for sleep or hw or some other such thing.

I'm at my brother's house today, I've been here since thursday it's the first time I've been over since Spring break which ended over a month ago.
I'm here because about 2 weeks ago my brother and his wife had a baby.
So I'm here visiting, along with my sister-in-law's relatives

and I wonder... why haven't I stopped by before?
my school is about 5 miles away from my brother's house, yet I haven't visited in month's...

which leads me to wonder if I truly have my priorities right.
and I'm beginning to see that I don't
I do homework, but later, I keep procrastinating, even now (and yes I realize the irony)
so then all my work builds, and then you find me like I am now, swamped with work, without hope of reprieve, because as every day passes I find myself with more work to do, but not having accomplished the work I've been meaning to do for so long

So, now I'm forced with this dilemma...
how can I refocus my life to take of the priorities without tripping up on the lesser yet still important details

because... I find myself, due to the situation that I've put myself in missing out on so much.
besides the opportunity to visit my brothers, or now my newborn nephew, but the time to spend with friends, or learn, or play, or sleep, or just to enjoy life in one form or another

not long ago, I decided to try my hand a juggling, I started to get the hang of it, yet I haven't been practicing for weeks, due to having other things needing to get done.
I joined the tango club at my school, it was fun, I haven't been to the last 6 or so meetings
for the same reason.
it's the same situation with, EMT class, VEMS (villanova EMS), VTV (villanova TV), and other clubs that I'm a part of, or other hobbies that I want to pursue but haven't the time for.
I wouldn't mind as much if I felt I was making any progress with my school work, but it seems that with every step forward I take, I end up falling behind 3

so I've decided that I must really get a handle on this, before this semester ends, I need to have a day in which all my work is done, and then.... I intend to fly a kite all around campus, visit my brothers and my nephew, then spend some time with friends, and finally... sleep

and everyday will be a new day, I can't keep forgetting the importance of living life
of spending time with those I care about, and those who in turn care about me
of finding time to stop and enjoy the present even if only for a moment
the world stands still for no one, if you miss it, it's gone

there are many a time that I wish that I had known when I was young what I know now, but the most i can do is try and remember what I've learned so I'll know it for the future.

I don't want to miss any more of the world than I already seem to have done.
while I can't change my past, I can shape my future and I intend to do just that.


by the way here's the video of the song for those that want to hear it as well:

thoughts of the moment

I feel that I both have way too much time, and way too little time on my hands all at the same time

I would love it if time would slow down for me, but I'm a very poor runner so likely that's not gonna happen...

...although time has no problem speeding up on me when I have something important to do, yet little time to do it in

I know I shouldn't be wasting my time writing in a blog, but I also feel that doing so helps me to in a way retain (a semblance of) my sanity

I'm 3 hours into the second full day of easter break, but I haven't gotten any work done, and it kills me...

...on the otherhand I've read a lot of comics, talked to friends, eaten food, slept, tinkered with my computer, and done any number of things that I haven't done in ...ages.

does that make it justified?

I like to think that I'm getting better at figuring out linux, yet it still took me a half an hour of concentrated effort (well... semi-concentrated effort) and internet searching to figure out how to get root privileges...

....I'm making a list, and when I get back to campus, I'll remember what I need to ask the people that actually understand all this ubuntu stuff

I've taken up a new hobby:
asking people random questions
one such question: "if you ruled the world, what would you do first?"
the answer suprised me.
...interestingly I can't think of a suitable answer to the question myself

what would be the point in ruling the world? eventually it would get boring as you have to manage all those people, and resources and worry about getting killed or betrayed, or something.

personally I'd much rather have my own area, off to myself, where I can live as I will without the rule of governemt or the threat of anarchy, just live according to my own laws, with my family, and have a means of reaching friends.
I'll sit, and read, and learn, and perhaps program, and of course sleep
even watch tv or movies if I get too bored.
it would be a nice life, one of semi solitude.

I wonder what it would be like to live a life alone, with out any type of interaction with other living beings, they say we humans are social creatures, and I'm inclined to agree, but I have no way of knowing... how do we know? I've read plenty of books on philosophy and so people say so many different things, yet one can't help but ask the question how do these people know?
because they were here before us? that's not a valid argument.
during class discussions I hear people (my professor in particular) bringing up things that other philosophers said as a means to back up his point, but I'm compelled to wonder, "how does that help your arguement?"
if one dead philospher said it, it doesn't make it true.
how do we know that humans are social creatures?
or that animals feel pain or don't feel pain.
or that sociaty is good, or society is bad.
it perverts us, it protects us, it aids us, it frees us from our animal nature.

what all these books on philosophy I've read, or discussed say is that something must be how they describe it, and they know it, without proof, or even legitimate justification. from the point of view of one man or woman, you can't see all the world, you can't tell the nature of every human, or every animal.
you can give opinions, but they will always be tainted with your perspective. which is what is inherently wrong with trying to find an end-all model for human behaviour or anything that implies a global scope or even a scope that extends outside that of a normal human.
we can't leave ourselves, there's no feasible way of looking at things outside of our own perspective, no matter where we go we keep that with us, and it forever has and will affect the world as we see it.

Sometimes...

Sometimes... I wish I was by myself, all alone, with no other person nearby to intrude on my solitude.
Sometimes... I wish I understood those other people better.
Sometimes... I wish they understood me.
Sometimes... I wish I understood me.

I feel like I'll never understand others, and they in turn will never understand me.
I came to college, hoping to find that it would be better than high school, in that I would have the opportunities that I hadn't before, such as the opportunity to study what I was interested in, or the opportunity to meet and become friends with others that were similar to I.
Yet it seems that the more time I spend with these people, the more strained my relationships with them become.
I generally try to avoid antagonizing against people, and while I have been known to annoy people at times, I've gotten better at not doing that, yet nonetheless people slowly but surely begin to dislike, then detest and even hate me, for reasons I have yet to find out, and perhaps I never will.

I hoped college would be better but sometimes I feel that it may be worse, there are times that I actually begin to miss high school if only because there were people there that genuinely thought of me as their friend.

My thoughts are so jumbled now, I'm not really sure anymore of who I am, or where I'm going.
Is the problem with me? or with them? or perhaps with us all?
they say you "find" yourself in college, yet all I've done is become lost
I hear you make your true friends in college, yet I have met no such person
It's almost the end of my second semester, I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of this tunnel.
as the days go on, I find myself more and more considering transferring among other things
I... don't know what I should do, is this normal? do others experience this same thing as well?
or am I alone in this as well?
will things ever change? will they get worse?

college is such an adjustment, it's hard to believe it's only been a few months, when it feels like I've been here for ages. I hold on to the (perhaps forlorn) hope that this is all only because I people haven't known me long enough to get used to the way that I am, or to get over their first (or second) impressions.
how do others do it? how is it that in such a short time they are able to relate to others here, and even, somehow find a way to not only get along with others, but to really be friends with them, in a more than "passing hello way" (of which all my 'friendships ' here seem like )

it's a little ironic, when I started I loved it here, especially because of the people, I neither missed home, nor my high school. yet now, I find myself desperately hoping for the relief of summer, not just because of the lack of classes, but because I feel that things just might be different after summer.
I dunno...

I'm not sure why I'm here ranting about all this, I just felt that I should in some way or another, discuss this, else I'd probably go crazy. this just seemed to be the proper outlet

If there's anyone out there reading, let me know, I'm curious to see if this thing is actually read by someone, and if you have any comments I'd like to hear them

Busy, Busy, Busy.....

So it's been a while since i've last posted, mostly due to me just being so overwhelmingly busy what with hw, and tests, and labs, and programs and EMT class.....urgh

In retrospect I probably should have made better choices when it came to class registration and other stuff.

for instance taking 3 upper level math courses (2 being the prerequisites of the other) was Not a good idea (Modern Algebra kicks my ass)
and on top of that a Physics course... 2 labs, and our humanities seminar course

and then throw in my EMT class on top of that, and you're looking at overkill, the EMT class by itself takes up 6-14 to even 22 hours in a week, for just the class! not even counting studying for tests... running shifts for local ambulances all to take the State Exam in April (I've been in this class since October)

that's why about a week ago, I made a painful decision ...to quit EMT class, I figured that it was just not worth the impact it was having on my Grades, my sleeping pattern (which may never be saved) or my health. it sucks to be quitting now, with only a week left till the exam, but I'm confident I made the right choice. this way I have time to focus on my classes during this last month of the semester, while not having to juggle that and ride times (which are 12 hour shifts....) and hw, and studying.

I'd like to think that, college has taught me something really important: the ability to make tough choices, as much as I'd like to continue with the EMT class this semester, I really don't have enough time. so it came down to a choice, my GPA or EMT certification, and do feel I made the right decision, I just wish I realized this sooner, maybe things wouldn't have come to the point that they have.

So, I gotta get back to work, and then sleep, gotta get up for lab in the morning (oh joy)

I hate Dell (with a Vengeance!)

So... I'm really beginning to hate computers (and I think that they may hate me as well) and here's why:

see... a week or 2 ago, the windows OS on my laptop broke (don't ask me how, I don't know... but it did) and so I figured that this would be a perfect opportunity to install ubuntu (it wasn't) as I've been meaning to for some time.

So... I install ubuntu (at 4am no less) and spend most of the weekend configuring it, and then... somehow it dies as well (...yay)

not one to give up... I install it again, and it worked for a bit, though I couldn't get it to connect to my school's wireless network, no matter what I did, or who I brought it too nothing and no one helped
and then tragedy struck: the screen went completely white and gray ....every time I turned it on (fuckin' dell (1))

so, I bring it to our school's tech support (we're required to get these computers as a part of our school's laptop program ....fucking villanova)
they replace the system board and the lcd, and give it back to me "good as new"
now I still had linux when I got it back and I wanted to dual boot windows
(cause I need it for a couple of programs) so as an alternative to having to install windows and all it's damn drivers (damn windows) and updates from scratch I had them reimage my drive so I could then dual boot linux from windows
simple, no?

No.

today (well... yesterday actually) I got my comp back I was trying to install linux and every time I tried to boot from the cd the comp shut off, again, and again..... and again, until it just kept shutting of every time I just turned it on (fuckin' Dell (2))

it turned out that the "refurbished" (read "defective") system boards dell sends our school to use as replacements, don't allow you to boot from anywhere but the hard drive or it shuts off (fuckin' dell (3))
So the guys at tech support (who are pretty cool) decided to just give me a new comp (since they couldn't fix my old one)

...and so that's what I've been doing most of today, trying to figure out stuff and reconfigure my comp.

The moral of this story you ask? Dell Sucks

...btw if any of you out there is good with linux (or even computers in general) and you have any suggestions you'd like to give on ...pretty much anything, post in the comments please
I'm still trying to get the hang of linux so any and all advice is greatly appreciated

did I mention I hate dell? cause I really do... (fuckin' Dell (4))